Three methods of listening: Rock, Solver or Friend

At a recent workshop for an executive group at Microsoft we discussed using a shared language for listening. We defined three methods: 

1. The Rock: (Not to be confused with Duane Johnson) To listen like a Rock you make yourself available so the other person can just unload whatever is going on. You job is to listen, not solve problems, just be available so the other person can vomit up whatever they have to discuss. 
2. The Solver: The Solver listens to what someone else is saying to help create a solution. It assumes there is a problem and that the other person is looking for assistance in discovering a solution.
3. The Friend: To listen like a Friend is to take in what ever the person is saying and emotionally connect with them. The listeners job is to be available, and to say 'wow, that sucks...' or 'that's great news!' 

The goal with defining these styles ws to say 'How do you want me to listen to what you are saying?' It was to help them set expectations for the conversation, and allow the listener to be attentive and best provide what their fellow co-worker needed. It also created a little negotiation in the beginning of the conversation, so that both parties were on the same page with what they wanted to have happen. And many times, one thing bled into another. Conversations would begin as a Friend, and then change into the Solver. However, it was the speaker, the initiator who was responsible for the changing. 'I wanted you to listen as a Friend, but I guess I am asking you to help me Solve this as well...'

So when you head into a conversation - try setting up the expectation of how you should listen. Does your co-worker need a Rock, a Solver, or a Friend? Ask first, and see if you set the expectations first to be be the most attentive and available you can be.

​Which way do you want me to listen?

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